http://talktofriends.org/blog/ en JasonRHart@gmail.com Copyright 2010 2010-05-27T14:51:03+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/did_you_just_say_you_love_me/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/did_you_just_say_you_love_me/#When:13:51:03Z 3 weeks into a dating relationship is still a time of excitement. You are still getting to know who this very attractive person is that you’ve been spending time with. You’ve talked a ton on the phone, sent millions of texts back and forth (thankfully you have an unlimited txting plan), held hands, and maybe even kissed a few times. You are at the end of another incredible date and as you part ways, that wonderful, exciting, attractive person says, “I love you.” Hmmm. Your mind races with how scary these three little words can be…one word for each week you’ve been together. What exactly do they mean here? Do they mean: “I’ve grown to care about you since we’ve met,” or, “You are fun to be around,” or, “I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I thought I’d say this?” Yet what if they mean, “You’re my soul mate…the one that completes me,” or, “You’re the one I’ve been dreaming about since I was a child,” or, “I want to marry you,” or even worse, “I plan to stalk you until you love me back???” Many people see a difference in saying, “I love you,” and “I’m in love with you,” but how in the world can you tell what this person means? If you freak out, they’re gonna end up saying they didn’t mean it like that. If you figure they mean something mild and you say, “I love you” back to them, they might take it the wrong way. We may say we know the difference, but when you factor in your emotions, and someone standing there face to face with you, it can get confusing. So how do you handle it? I think the “love” word should be off the table. You just don’t say it. A safe time to introduce that language to describe your relationship should be after at least a year. Why a year? Most relationships break up after 3 months, and even those that make it further rarely make it past 6 months (though if it makes it past 7 months it doesn’t mean it’s true love necessarily). It is important to avoid the emotional roller coaster the “love” word brings. How many times have you heard a couple fighting and they say something like, “You said you loved me?” Don’t use love in the first year is how to handle it and if someone else says it, put it on the table right away that it is inappropriate to use. Challenge them. You could prevent getting too involved with a potential stalker. 2010-05-27T13:51:03+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/is_it_okay_to_date_two_people_at_once/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/is_it_okay_to_date_two_people_at_once/#When:03:23:41Z “Is it okay to date two people at once?”  This is not an easy question to answer.  Many people have their own reasons or explanations as to why they think it is “okay” or “not okay” to date multiple people. When I think of dating I think of hanging out with friends on group dates and getting to know people. Sometimes when two people start spending extended periods of time together and the conversation topics change from buddies hanging to expressing feelings or a strong attraction for one another, your relationship has taken on another dynamic.  Before your feelings go too far, you might want to make sure that the other person in this relationship is feeling the same way about you. Communication is key in any relationship. Ask questions if there is something that you do not understand so that you have clarification at all times. This will keep you from getting your feelings hurt by thinking someone is interested in you when they are not. In my opinion it is not okay to “seriously” date two people at the same time. If you really like a person give your friendship a chance to grow and have fun together. If you happen to be interested in multiple people and are not sure which one you would like to date seriously, be honest and don’t keep anyone in the dark. If you have to lie about it then you should not be doing it.  My good friends…. the truth will keep you in the clear at all times. 2010-05-27T03:23:41+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/should_i_think_of_marriage_before_im_even_in_college/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/should_i_think_of_marriage_before_im_even_in_college/#When:23:04:57Z We’ve always heard the stories of little girls who dream about their wedding day since age five.  Is this weird?  No. We are all born with a desire for relationship and one of the strongest relationships is marriage.  But should we even think about marriage when we’re just having fun in high school?  I’m not saying marriage should always be on our minds, but we do need to consider the importance of relationships.  We have to take relationships seriously because we are shaped by our experiences.  In other words, habits we have in relationships now will carry over into our relationships in the future.  As you read this, I bet your saying, “yeah, but people change.”  It is rare that a person’s personality changes, but their habits may change.  BUT NOT OVERNIGHT!  For example, if a person has issues with addiction in high school they will probably always have issues with addiction, BUT how they handle dealing with addiction may change over time.  Make no mistake, what a person does in high school will impact their future relationships.  If you want to have a healthy marriage in the future you will be wise to be careful what you do with relationships in high school. Believe it or not, you really are preparing for marriage now even though it may not be on your radar at the moment. 2010-05-26T23:04:57+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/red_flags_in_a_relationship/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/red_flags_in_a_relationship/#When:21:05:22Z Any time a relationship is going south, there are red flags to warn you that things are not going well. But for whatever reason, they are difficult to recognize. Here are some common warning signs that the relationship is not working: • Arguing on a regular basis: When conversation turns to bickering, the relationship no longer builds communication, trust, and intimacy, but instead builds tension, anger, and frustration. Instead of trying to solve problems and compromise, your conflicts become battles to win • Burying your feelings: Although difficult, it is important to talk about how you feel. If you remain silent and don’t speak up for yourself when you are angry/disrespected, the repressed feelings will eventually explode and you may say/do something you will regret and/or not remember. If you can’t be honest, things are becoming unhealthy • Frequent jealousy: When you are consistently feeling jealous, either your partner is acting less than trustworthy around other guys/girls, or you are being overly anxious. If you have a partner who is jealous for no reason, it could be a power/control issue. No matter what may be the true source of the issue, consistent jealousy = an absence of trust • Constant criticism: If your partner is repeatedly telling you to change your appearance, language, act a certain way around certain people, or using sarcasm to highlight weaknesses and/or their dislikes about you, it’s a bad sign. Typically this highlights suppressed anger or insecurity in the relationship. If you truly care to see change in a partner and want to be with them, a good rule of thumb is to present 9 positive comments for every 1 negative comment you make. Otherwise, it will be hard for the relationship to succeed • Comparison to other partners: If they consistently compare you to an ex, then this is a sign that the passion they have has more to do with anger toward the ex than their liking of you. They have not moved on and are not giving you their full attention. Although all of these things can and will happen in any relationship, if they are continually happening over and over, consider them as warning signs. Do you have any that could be added to the list? 2010-01-08T21:05:22+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/things_guys_cant_stand_on_a_date/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/things_guys_cant_stand_on_a_date/#When:21:04:33Z I have spoken to many students about their pet peeves when on a date. Usually the ladies are shocked at some of the pet peeves from the guys and since I’m a guy, I thought I’d enlighten you on some things that tend to get on a guy’s nerves… • The girl keeps using her phone: if you are texting and talking to someone else other than your date, this shows the guy he is less important. The fellas want your full attention, that’s why they are out on a date with you. Turn your phone off on the date and give the guy some respect • The girl dresses immodestly: When this one was brought to my attention, they didn’t use the word immodest, ladies. When I asked them why, they said although they liked to know they were with someone that was attractive, they spent half the date worrying about other guys checking out their girl. Some of the guys got into fights with other guys simply because the girl chose to wear a low-cut shirt, short-shorts, etc. They are dumb to fight for sure, but keep in mind that you are doing more harm than good and attracting attention that sends mixed signals.  There is a difference in dressing attractive and trying to be seductive. • Bad table manners: Ladies, guys can get turned off and grossed out just as much as you. The guys have told me about instances where the girl spits out her gum and leaves it on the plate, or spits out food obviously, and sometimes doesn’t do that in a napkin, but back on the plate. They have told me of messy eaters, slouching in her seat, eating with her fingers, all kinds of pet peeves that gross them out. Something to think about • Playing indecisive: He asks you where you want to go, what you want to do and your response is: I don’t know/I don’t care. Then he picks something and you tell him no, so he picks something again, and you tell him no. He has to go through a list of places for 20 minutes before you finally decide where you want to go. Guys I have spoken to really can’t stand that. If you have no opinion, then don’t get mad at the guy for making a choice. Speak up. Would anyone care to add to these from the guys perspective? Ladies, do you have some of your own? 2010-01-08T21:04:33+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/long_distance_relationships/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/long_distance_relationships/#When:05:58:11Z There is a thin line when dating someone that is not in the same area as you. There has to be a great amount of trust on both ends and you have to be willing to put for the efforts to have a successful relationship. I will be the first to tell you that yes a long distance relationship can work and it can be great. It can also be heart-breaking if you are committed to someone who is out with other people while you are waiting by the phone. With technology like video chats, instant messenger and many other channels of communication, dating someone from another location is made easier. Knowing what is expected of both people in the relationship can help as well as setting ground rules. I don’t want you to think that it is too much work because that may take the fun of it away from you. I do encourage you to treat the person how you want to be treated and carry yourself accordingly no matter if that person is visiting in town or not and you will be just fine. I will ask that you date someone that is not too far away; being able to hang out with the person you are dating occasionally is important and a lot more fun. For example, going on a date to the movies and being able to talk about what you saw right then is better than having a talk about it later at home or on your cell phone ALL the time.  Enjoy your lives and have fun! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, happy dating! 2009-12-22T05:58:11+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/why_doesnt_the_other_person_want_to_be_as_serious_as_you/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/why_doesnt_the_other_person_want_to_be_as_serious_as_you/#When:15:38:44Z There are few things more frustrating than when one person wants to take the relationship to a serious level and the other doesn’t. It can be confusing and painful to try to work it out and answer the question “why?” Why won’t that other person get serious with you? I can’t tell you exactly why in every case. However, here are a few things to think about. First, you’ve got to look at your expectations in dating. It could be that the less than serious person doesn’t see themselves getting serious until later on in life. They may have goals and plans for college and do not want to put them at risk. They may see dating as a time to be having fun and do not think being serious is all that fun. They are not ready for a serious relationship. If that is the case, you may be wasting your time if you expect to be serious with the person. Second, they may be losing interest because you have moved faster than they. It may sound like playing games, but it is just a natural happening in relationships. If they think they “have” you, the attraction goes down because the “thrill of the chase” is gone. Also, the other person may feel awkward about your strong feelings. If you want to continue to give the relationship a shot, you may want to back off some. If they see they don’t “have” you like they thought, the attraction could grow stronger again. Third, you may be unrealistic with your feelings. I know this is a borderline offensive thing to say. I agree that everyone has a right to feel how they feel, but it doesn’t mean it is realistic. When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, you don’t know why you feel angry and grumpy, you just do. So ask yourself the question: “Why do I want to be serious?” If it doesn’t go beyond the fact that they are nice and look good, then you may be unrealistic. A serious relationship requires more than good manners and looks.  It requires trust, integrity, common goals and values, commitment, and excitement and time. If you are being unrealistic, the other person probably sees it and it’s a big turn-off for them. I suggest keeping your feelings to yourself until you begin seeing the other person feeling the same way. 2009-12-09T15:38:44+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/signs_of_an_abusive_relationship/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/signs_of_an_abusive_relationship/#When:13:54:40Z It can often be difficult for a person to know when they are in an abusive relationship. They’ve seen their parent(s) in abusive relationships, or they themselves have been in so many that it seems like abusive behavior is normal. For others, they are inexperienced in relationships and think the abusive behavior (fueled by emotions) is just proof that the other person truly cares for them. For all of us, it can also be a challenge to tell the difference between what is a one time mistake and what is abusive. We all make mistakes, right? Abusive relationships have certain patterns of behavior. The behavior can include physical and emotional abuse. Here are a few patterns that could be signs that you are being abused and need to get out: • They don’t respect your privacy: checking your email, texts, call history, diary, etc. • Talk you into doing things you don’t want to do: they never take no for an answer, but try to argue with you all the time to get what they want • Shaming remarks or the use of guilt: name-calling, asking you to change your appearance, blackmail, humiliate you in front of other people, tear you down with words • Punishment by silence: some call this the silent treatment. This is more than just being angry for a day or two, but a way your boyfriend/girlfriend tries to teach you a lesson by not talking • Asking for proof of your feelings of love for them as if they cannot take you at your word Many of us have called someone a name out of anger, checked a date’s phone once or twice, tried to talk the other into doing something. No one is perfect. However, if you are seeing these things happening consistently, if you are hearing, “I’m sorry” way too often due to these things, it’s time to get out. This is an unhealthy relationship. The actions listed below are dangerous and even if these take place one time, you should get out of the relationship. These issues very rarely can be worked out and are signs of an unhealthy dating partner: • Violence: they hit you in visible and less than visible places, they punch things when arguing such as walls, doors, lockers, they fight others out of jealousy directly because of you • Threats: I will harm you if you do this again, or if you don’t do this. Many times, a dating partner gets jealous of any contact you have with the opposite sex and will threaten you or them. They may   also threaten to harm themselves if you break up with them. • Physical restraint: they won’t let you leave an argument, but grab you, lock you in a room or car, or even won’t let you leave their house. • Unwanted sexual advances or touching: inappropriate flirting, touching you without permission (even your hair), talking about your body, and anything else you are not welcoming • Sexual Assault: forcing you to do something sexually, even if it is not intercourse. They call you a tease and make you satisfy them sexually out of obligation or force Breaking off an abusive relationship does not mean your feelings for the person are not genuine, so do not allow them to talk you out of a break up. If they are violent, don’t break it off one on one. A violent person is usually the only time I’d suggest breaking up over the phone, and even then, I’d have a trusted adult in the room for the conversation. Remember this: Abusers love power and control more than you. If you love someone, you deserve to have that love genuinely given back to you, rather than being in a relationship in which you are manipulated and controlled. 2009-12-09T13:54:40+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/what_a_good_relationship_is/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/what_a_good_relationship_is/#When:01:45:03Z Dating relationships can be a lot of fun, but also a lot of drama. Most people I talk to really want to avoid all the drama: fights in public, late night phone calls hashing out an argument though you can’t seem to remember how it began, jealousy and betrayal. The list of what is bad about a relationship can go on forever. Most of us know what a good relationship is NOT, but how do we know what a good relationship IS? The foundation for a good dating relationship starts with patience. The relationship should develop naturally in its own time. The partners do not need to compare themselves to everyone else and are content to move at their own pace. Otherwise, the dating relationship becomes more about what others think rather than discovering one another. Second, the foundation should have trust and/or respect. The partners do not run around talking about their private business with everyone else. Each person is able to put themselves in the other person’s shoes in conflict to better understand one another. They don’t force or manipulate each other to do things they do not want to do.  Third, a good relationship has great communication. Many folks have expectations of dating that they never communicate which typically leads to conflict. Yet a good dating relationship expresses expectations, discusses true feelings, and allows for each other to own their opinions, even if you don’t agree on things. Finally, a good relationship is supportive of each other’s individual and shared goals. Each wants the best for the other person and stops short of trying to change the other. They are genuinely happy for their success and push aside jealousy. They want the other’s goals to be achieved, even at the sacrifice of their time together, or the actual dating relationship. Their individuality is highly respected. Why settle for less than these characteristics? 2009-10-12T01:45:03+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/should_a_senior_date_a_freshman/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/should_a_senior_date_a_freshman/#When:14:46:42Z I have had a lot of teens ask this question throughout different classes that I have taught and I must say this always turns into a big discussion. There are the students that do not see anything wrong with it and there are the students that see everything wrong with it. What I can do is share my experience or story and hopefully this helps someone out. I was a freshmen and I had the biggest crush on this senior. He was my first real crush. I was in JROTC and I needed a date for the Military Ball. It took me a few days to get up the courage to ask him to the ball. I will never forget it, I’m standing outside of my science class and he walks by. I stopped him and we chit chatted for a while and then right when he was about to walk away I asked him would he attend the Military Ball with me. He smiled, and politely declined my offer. I was crushed. I felt like crying a river right there in his face but I did not cry I just gathered myself long enough to ask him why?. He said, “Your a freshmen and I’m a senior, your just starting high school and I’m leaving high school. We are in different places in our lives. It just doesn’t seem right but thanks and I hope you have a great time”. At the time I did not understand, but a few years down the road when I became a senior in high school and a freshmen had a crush on me and wanted me to attend the Military Ball with him; I remembered what he had told me. We were on two different levels, two different plains in our lives. I was fresh out of middle school and honestly we did not have much to talk about at the time. Should a senior date a freshmen? I encourage you to think about it and know what is best for you. Don’t let peer pressure get the best of you and be willing to make the mature decision and don’t rush high school. Enjoy each grade level for what it is and have a great high school experience. 2009-10-05T14:46:42+00:00