http://talktofriends.org/blog/ en jason@talktofriends.org Copyright 2011 2011-05-05T14:06:13+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/sex_has_consequences/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/sex_has_consequences/#When:13:06:13Z When I mention it in classes, most students agree that when a couple has sex, it changes the relationship. We discuss the chemicals released in the brain and how they impact the way the couple relates with one another. Now lets take it a step further:  the couple finds out unexpectedly they are going to be parents. That brings change to a whole new level! If you have seen the shows 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom on MTV, relationships that were already complicated by sex are now put in a pressure-cooker when it comes to being parents together. They have a very challenging time with expectations of how the relationship should change/remain the same. The question of keeping the baby or giving up the child for adoption is a huge decision to make. There are now huge financial issues . Communication is difficult to maintain, and the ability to solve conflict becomes extremely important, since each person is making their decisions with the baby in mind. Each teen’s family is now involved, further complicating things (how many of you always see eye-to-eye with your parents?).  The question of whether or not their relationship will even make it compiles the stress even further. Plus, you still have to be a full-time student and make it through to graduation day!! The hopes and dreams for each teen parent’s life is now even more difficult to achieve than before and is even altered by becoming a parent.  As the billboard in town this month says, sex truly has consequences. It is one thing to see it on an edited and drama-filled reality television show, but it is another to experience it. This is why I always encourage my students to postpone sex until you are in a stable, committed marriage relationship. In a committed marriage relationship, your relationship has already passed the tests of dating, parents, and high school. You are together because you want to be, not simply because a baby is on the way, and when it gets tough, no one is walking away. Sex with someone who is not committed to you for life brings about instability that no expectant parent, nor any baby should have to go through. For more information visit: http://www.stayteen.org/ 2011-05-05T13:06:13+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/do_guys_really_hate_to_commit/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/do_guys_really_hate_to_commit/#When:20:08:40Z Do guys really hate to commit? I am not so sure about that, ladies. When it comes to dating, it may simply be a difference in expectations. When some guys (especially teen guys) see what is labeled as a “committed relationship,” they don’t like what they see: spending most of your free time together, not being able to have friends of the opposite sex, having to “check-in” with their girlfriend, as well as having to always prove your feelings for a girl are much of what they see. This is a picture that brings a lot of pressure, constraints, and even may look like he’s getting a second mom, and NO ONE wants that! Another problem with commitment that was personally frustrating was when a girl automatically thought a relationship was exclusive just because we were talking with each other or had been on a date. Ladies, that can be solved with a conversation about the nature of the relationship. Guys enjoy commitment, but only if they know what they are getting into. Have you ever seen the passion with which some of the guys at your school participate in school sports? To be part of a team takes commitment, and guys get that! Talk up front about your expectations for a relationship. It could save you from a nasty stereotype about men and help you to have more realistic expectations for relationships. 2011-01-17T20:08:40+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/do_people_deserve_second_chances_in_relationships/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/do_people_deserve_second_chances_in_relationships/#When:15:52:53Z Do people deserve second chances in relationships?? I was talking with a close friend and she was discussing a scenario that was crazy: a female friend of hers faked a pregnancy for almost a year to keep a guy in her life. All the deceit and lies came out in the open and her conclusion to my friend concerning why the guy should take her back: “everyone deserves a second chance”. No one ever deserves a second chance! Second chances have nothing to do with the person at fault but everything to do with the person wronged. They are a gift from the innocent person to the guilty person. No one is entitled to a gift. It would be really arrogant if I told all my friends they owed me a gift on my birthday. It is up to them to get me something and if they do, I will be thankful! If a second chance is a free gift, then let me also tell you what it is not: forgiveness. If someone wrongs you, hurts you, cheats on you, I highly recommend that you deal with it quickly and forgive them. For one, we’ve all hurt someone and wanted forgiveness, so to give it means that we would want forgiveness.  Also, forgiveness can set you free from bitterness. It takes much energy and heartache to hold on to anger. However, to forgive does not mean you give them a second chance at a relationship with you! With the example above, I would tell the guy who was deceived by this girl to forgive her, but not give a second chance. The bulk of their relationship was built on lies for the past year! If you decide to give a person a second chance, you definitely need to put them on a 60-day probation to see if they are really going to change. If lasting change happens, then that is great and hopefully your gift will be rewarded with a strong relationship. If it does not and they continue to flirt with others, lie, hurt you, etc, then it is time to take back your gift (the second chance) and end it! 2010-10-15T15:52:53+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/how_does_having_a_best_friend_of_the_opposite_sex_affect_your_dating_relati/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/how_does_having_a_best_friend_of_the_opposite_sex_affect_your_dating_relati/#When:20:44:38Z Having a best friend of the opposite sex shouldn’t affect your dating relationships. If you and the person you’re dating have a secure relationship based on trust and you both care about each other, then you both will accept each other’s best friends. Friends are to support you and be there for you whether they are of the opposite sex or not. Your boyfriend or girlfriend should accept that. If however, your best friend is pretending to be just a friend to make moves on you, don’t fool yourself into thinking your current boyfriend/girlfriend will not pick up on it. Be honest with yourself and make sure the people you call friend are looking out for you and not themselves. 2010-10-14T20:44:38+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/how_far_should_you_go_in_dating/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/how_far_should_you_go_in_dating/#When:20:39:57Z Be very careful to take things extra slow in a dating relationship. People who go too fast often end up alone, hurt, very confused and with a lot of baggage to take into his or her next relationship. I realize that teens are curious and you may think everyone is doing it but they aren’t. Play it safe and take your time. You will find that you will make better choices and you will be better for it. 2010-10-14T20:39:57+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/is_it_okay_to_go_through_your_boy_friends_or_girl_friends_phone/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/is_it_okay_to_go_through_your_boy_friends_or_girl_friends_phone/#When:20:32:10Z It is never a good idea to assume it is okay to go through each other’s phone without discussing it first. It you have and you both agree to it it is fine. In this day and age, we should never go into a relationship thinking it is okay to go through your significant other’s phone. You should trust the one you are with and if you cannot then you shouldn’t be together. 2010-10-14T20:32:10+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/who_will_keep_my_secret/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/who_will_keep_my_secret/#When:15:16:02Z My wife is not that great with surprise birthday parties. She gets so excited for the person that she’s been known to give away the secret on a couple of occasions. Truth is, people love to share things that are important to them because we all love intimacy. Feeling trust, safety, and closeness in relationships is great, but when it comes to sharing your relationship secrets with friends, it can be disastrous. For example, your bf/gf shares a secret with you, then you share the secret with your close friends, who promise to keep it a secret, but then they share the secret with the disclaimer: “you can’t tell anyone,” but then even they have to share the secret and it keeps on going. Have you been there before? It’s not a secret anymore…SURPRISE!! Truth is, of your 5 close friends at this age, most likely only one will keep it a secret, if that. When it comes to secrets and being able to be totally honest, I always suggest students have at least two key people in their life: a peer they can trust, and an adult they can trust. That adult could be your parent, but sometimes not. Study these folks to see if they will tell the truth even when it hurts, if they keep from telling other people’s business, if they have a good conscience to decide right from wrong, and/or they live out the advice they give to others.  Only tell your secrets to very select people, because not everyone who claims to be a good friend is trustworthy to keep your secrets. 2010-10-14T15:16:02+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/dont_pull_a_sammi/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/dont_pull_a_sammi/#When:14:53:42Z I kept hearing about this show on MTV from my students called Jersey Shore, so I have watched a few episodes lately. On one episode Sammi gets an anonymous note about her boyfriend (a notorious cheater) cheating on her at a club. Instead of being happy someone communicated the truth to her (they are all friends living in the same house), she is furious that no one told her face to face. Sammi actually fights one of the girls who gave the note! So instead of being angry with her boyfriend, she fights someone who told her the truth. Talk about denial!! Some people pull a Sammi in their relationships: they don’t want to believe the truth! Truth is, this guy is a jerk and she needs to leave him, but she’s in looovvvve, right? She expects him to be honest, loving, exclusively with her as she is to him (her nickname is Sweetheart, right?), yet she has chosen to be with a guy who does not have that kind of character, nor a desire to change. She’s following her heart, but has left her brain behind.  The sexual aspect of their relationship makes this even worse. Oxytocin, a chemical released in the body during sex, creates a deep emotional bond in the female that causes her to ignore the pain he’s caused her. She lets him in her bed and pretends like everything is okay because the bond feels so good. Don’t pull a Sammi, folks. Check out who they REALLY are before you even begin to consider falling in love. You could save yourself some unnecessary pain and not look so foolish as to deny the truth when it’s right in front of your face. 2010-10-14T14:53:42+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/how_do_you_start_over_after_a_break_up/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/how_do_you_start_over_after_a_break_up/#When:20:38:19Z Take your time and make a list of pros and cons about your most recent relationships. What do you think you did right and what do you think you could do differently? We all make mistakes in life and in love and if we are honest with ourselves we know that we are not perfect. Maybe we shared too much too soon or we didn’t open ourselves up enough because of past hurts or whatever your issues may be. The bottom line is that you should take the time to work on you and what got you to this point. Are you too emotional, are you still carrying the baggage from a previous relationship or is that all you know? We are products of how we are raised and maybe how we respond or how we act is all we know. Listen, it is okay to be where you are. Take your time and you will find that by working on yourself and the issues you may have with failed relationships can and will teach you things about the people you choose as well as yourself. Don’t settle. Now! Wait for Mr./Ms. Right. In the meantime, you will gain confidence, improve your self esteem and more positive people will gravitate towards you because you will be more positive about who you are and where you are going in life. Dating 2010-08-05T20:38:19+00:00 http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/can_you_start_over_after_going_too_far/ http://talktofriends.org/blog/comments/can_you_start_over_after_going_too_far/#When:17:38:07Z A student asked me recently how you back up and start over if you’ve already gone too far?  This is a great question. I have seen it dodged by people who will say, “Don’t start to begin with.” This has some truth to it. Engaging in sexual activity outside of a committed marriage relationship can create a lot of the emotional damage.  But this type of a response seems to say it is too late and the damage has been done, leading someone to just continue sexual activity because it is “too late anyway.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. Starting over after going too far can be done. It will not remove what has been done, but you will surely avoid further damage and scars that could last a lifetime.  Here are some insights as to how to start over: • Forgiveness: You have to forgive yourself. Clearly abstinence before marriage is a valuable standard for you and you’ve missed the mark. Feelings of guilt and regret will bombard you if you cannot forgive and accept who you are. Keep in mind feelings are just that: feelings. They are not always in line with true reality. Don’t let the past define the real you • Friendship: I’ve read some studies that suggest people go too far too fast because they lack deep relationships in their life. Starting over is going to require that you build true, trusted friendships so that you don’t move too fast again for the sake of being close to someone. Talk with a trusted friend about your past and hopes for the future. I’d also suggest talking to a trustworthy adult who can listen and offer good advice and encouragement as you start over • Fight the Feeling: Once you’ve crossed that line, it becomes even easier to cross it again. When you begin talking to someone/dating again, be up front about your value of abstinence and get your friend(s) involved helping you stay true to your commitment. Have a plan in place to avoid situations where your desire to cross the line may be stronger than the desire to maintain your new start. • Face the Facts: Many people consider themselves abstinent as “technical virgins,” meaning they’ve done everything except actual intercourse. While this may push your pregnancy risk down, it is still sexual activity and you can still get pregnant. Keep these things in mind: 1) any genital contact can still expose you to an STD, especially while engaging in oral sex ( fyi 1 in 4 sexually active girls has an STD)  2) bonding chemicals released in the body during sexual activity (one of which is oxytocin) are just as evident with or without intercourse. 2010-08-05T17:38:07+00:00