Blog
Can you start over after going too far?
A student asked me recently how you back up and start over if you’ve already gone too far? This is a great question. I have seen it dodged by people who will say, “Don’t start to begin with.” This has some truth to it. Engaging in sexual activity outside of a committed marriage relationship can create a lot of the emotional damage. But this type of a response seems to say it is too late and the damage has been done, leading someone to just continue sexual activity because it is “too late anyway.” This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Starting over after going too far can be done. It will not remove what has been done, but you will surely avoid further damage and scars that could last a lifetime. Here are some insights as to how to start over:
• Forgiveness: You have to forgive yourself. Clearly abstinence before marriage is a valuable standard for you and you’ve missed the mark. Feelings of guilt and regret will bombard you if you cannot forgive and accept who you are. Keep in mind feelings are just that: feelings. They are not always in line with true reality. Don’t let the past define the real you
• Friendship: I’ve read some studies that suggest people go too far too fast because they lack deep relationships in their life. Starting over is going to require that you build true, trusted friendships so that you don’t move too fast again for the sake of being close to someone. Talk with a trusted friend about your past and hopes for the future. I’d also suggest talking to a trustworthy adult who can listen and offer good advice and encouragement as you start over
• Fight the Feeling: Once you’ve crossed that line, it becomes even easier to cross it again. When you begin talking to someone/dating again, be up front about your value of abstinence and get your friend(s) involved helping you stay true to your commitment. Have a plan in place to avoid situations where your desire to cross the line may be stronger than the desire to maintain your new start.
• Face the Facts: Many people consider themselves abstinent as “technical virgins,” meaning they’ve done everything except actual intercourse. While this may push your pregnancy risk down, it is still sexual activity and you can still get pregnant. Keep these things in mind: 1) any genital contact can still expose you to an STD, especially while engaging in oral sex ( fyi 1 in 4 sexually active girls has an STD) 2) bonding chemicals released in the body during sexual activity (one of which is oxytocin) are just as evident with or without intercourse.
Posted by: JasonH on 8/5 at 1:38pm 0 Comments
