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Sex Has Consequences

2011-05-05T13:06:13Z

When I mention it in classes, most students agree that when a couple has sex, it changes the relationship. We discuss the chemicals released in the brain and how they impact the way the couple relates with one another. Now lets take it a step further: the couple finds out unexpectedly they are going to be parents. That brings change to a whole new level!

If you have seen the shows 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom on MTV, relationships that were already complicated by sex are now put in a pressure-cooker when it comes to being parents together. They have a very challenging time with expectations of how the relationship should change/remain the same. The question of keeping the baby or giving up the child for adoption is a huge decision to make. There are now huge financial issues . Communication is difficult to maintain, and the ability to solve conflict becomes extremely important, since each person is making their decisions with the baby in mind. Each teen’s family is now involved, further complicating things (how many of you always see eye-to-eye with your parents?). The question of whether or not their relationship will even make it compiles the stress even further. Plus, you still have to be a full-time student and make it through to graduation day!!

The hopes and dreams for each teen parent’s life is now even more difficult to achieve than before and is even altered by becoming a parent. As the billboard in town this month says, sex truly has consequences. It is one thing to see it on an edited and drama-filled reality television show, but it is another to experience it. This is why I always encourage my students to postpone sex until you are in a stable, committed marriage relationship.

In a committed marriage relationship, your relationship has already passed the tests of dating, parents, and high school. You are together because you want to be, not simply because a baby is on the way, and when it gets tough, no one is walking away. Sex with someone who is not committed to you for life brings about instability that no expectant parent, nor any baby should have to go through.

For more information visit: http://www.stayteen.org/

Do guys really hate to commit?

2011-01-17T20:08:40Z

Do guys really hate to commit? I am not so sure about that, ladies. When it comes to dating, it may simply be a difference in expectations.

When some guys (especially teen guys) see what is labeled as a “committed relationship,” they don’t like what they see: spending most of your free time together, not being able to have friends of the opposite sex, having to “check-in” with their girlfriend, as well as having to always prove your feelings for a girl are much of what they see. This is a picture that brings a lot of pressure, constraints, and even may look like he’s getting a second mom, and NO ONE wants that!

Another problem with commitment that was personally frustrating was when a girl automatically thought a relationship was exclusive just because we were talking with each other or had been on a date. Ladies, that can be solved with a conversation about the nature of the relationship. Guys enjoy commitment, but only if they know what they are getting into. Have you ever seen the passion with which some of the guys at your school participate in school sports? To be part of a team takes commitment, and guys get that! Talk up front about your expectations for a relationship. It could save you from a nasty stereotype about men and help you to have more realistic expectations for relationships.

Do people deserve second chances in relationships?

2010-10-15T15:52:53Z

Do people deserve second chances in relationships?? I was talking with a close friend and she was discussing a scenario that was crazy: a female friend of hers faked a pregnancy for almost a year to keep a guy in her life. All the deceit and lies came out in the open and her conclusion to my friend concerning why the guy should take her back: “everyone deserves a second chance”.

No one ever deserves a second chance! Second chances have nothing to do with the person at fault but everything to do with the person wronged. They are a gift from the innocent person to the guilty person. No one is entitled to a gift. It would be really arrogant if I told all my friends they owed me a gift on my birthday. It is up to them to get me something and if they do, I will be thankful!

If a second chance is a free gift, then let me also tell you what it is not: forgiveness. If someone wrongs you, hurts you, cheats on you, I highly recommend that you deal with it quickly and forgive them. For one, we’ve all hurt someone and wanted forgiveness, so to give it means that we would want forgiveness. Also, forgiveness can set you free from bitterness. It takes much energy and heartache to hold on to anger. However, to forgive does not mean you give them a second chance at a relationship with you! With the example above, I would tell the guy who was deceived by this girl to forgive her, but not give a second chance. The bulk of their relationship was built on lies for the past year!

If you decide to give a person a second chance, you definitely need to put them on a 60-day probation to see if they are really going to change. If lasting change happens, then that is great and hopefully your gift will be rewarded with a strong relationship. If it does not and they continue to flirt with others, lie, hurt you, etc, then it is time to take back your gift (the second chance) and end it!

Does having a best friend of the opposite sex affect your dating relatioships?

2010-10-14T20:44:38Z

Having a best friend of the opposite sex shouldn’t affect your dating relationships. If you and the person you’re dating have a secure relationship based on trust and you both care about each other, then you both will accept each other’s best friends. Friends are to support you and be there for you whether they are of the opposite sex or not. Your boyfriend or girlfriend should accept that. If however, your best friend is pretending to be just a friend to make moves on you, don’t fool yourself into thinking your current boyfriend/girlfriend will not pick up on it. Be honest with yourself and make sure the people you call friend are looking out for you and not themselves.

How far should you go in dating?

2010-10-14T20:39:57Z

Be very careful to take things extra slow in a dating relationship. People who go too fast often end up alone, hurt, very confused and with a lot of baggage to take into his or her next relationship. I realize that teens are curious and you may think everyone is doing it but they aren’t. Play it safe and take your time. You will find that you will make better choices and you will be better for it.

Is it okay to go through your boy friend’s or girl friend’s phone?

2010-10-14T20:32:10Z

It is never a good idea to assume it is okay to go through each other’s phone without discussing it first. It you have and you both agree to it it is fine. In this day and age, we should never go into a relationship thinking it is okay to go through your significant other’s phone. You should trust the one you are with and if you cannot then you shouldn’t be together.

Who will keep my secret?

2010-10-14T15:16:02Z

My wife is not that great with surprise birthday parties. She gets so excited for the person that she’s been known to give away the secret on a couple of occasions. Truth is, people love to share things that are important to them because we all love intimacy. Feeling trust, safety, and closeness in relationships is great, but when it comes to sharing your relationship secrets with friends, it can be disastrous.

For example, your bf/gf shares a secret with you, then you share the secret with your close friends, who promise to keep it a secret, but then they share the secret with the disclaimer: “you can’t tell anyone,” but then even they have to share the secret and it keeps on going. Have you been there before? It’s not a secret anymore…SURPRISE!!

Truth is, of your 5 close friends at this age, most likely only one will keep it a secret, if that. When it comes to secrets and being able to be totally honest, I always suggest students have at least two key people in their life: a peer they can trust, and an adult they can trust. That adult could be your parent, but sometimes not. Study these folks to see if they will tell the truth even when it hurts, if they keep from telling other people’s business, if they have a good conscience to decide right from wrong, and/or they live out the advice they give to others. Only tell your secrets to very select people, because not everyone who claims to be a good friend is trustworthy to keep your secrets.

Don’t pull a Sammi

2010-10-14T14:53:42Z

I kept hearing about this show on MTV from my students called Jersey Shore, so I have watched a few episodes lately. On one episode Sammi gets an anonymous note about her boyfriend (a notorious cheater) cheating on her at a club. Instead of being happy someone communicated the truth to her (they are all friends living in the same house), she is furious that no one told her face to face. Sammi actually fights one of the girls who gave the note! So instead of being angry with her boyfriend, she fights someone who told her the truth. Talk about denial!!

Some people pull a Sammi in their relationships: they don’t want to believe the truth! Truth is, this guy is a jerk and she needs to leave him, but she’s in looovvvve, right? She expects him to be honest, loving, exclusively with her as she is to him (her nickname is Sweetheart, right?), yet she has chosen to be with a guy who does not have that kind of character, nor a desire to change. She’s following her heart, but has left her brain behind.

The sexual aspect of their relationship makes this even worse. Oxytocin, a chemical released in the body during sex, creates a deep emotional bond in the female that causes her to ignore the pain he’s caused her. She lets him in her bed and pretends like everything is okay because the bond feels so good.

Don’t pull a Sammi, folks. Check out who they REALLY are before you even begin to consider falling in love. You could save yourself some unnecessary pain and not look so foolish as to deny the truth when it’s right in front of your face.

How do you start over after a break up?

2010-08-05T20:38:19Z

Take your time and make a list of pros and cons about your most recent relationships. What do you think you did right and what do you think you could do differently?

We all make mistakes in life and in love and if we are honest with ourselves we know that we are not perfect. Maybe we shared too much too soon or we didn’t open ourselves up enough because of past hurts or whatever your issues may be. The bottom line is that you should take the time to work on you and what got you to this point. Are you too emotional, are you still carrying the baggage from a previous relationship or is that all you know? We are products of how we are raised and maybe how we respond or how we act is all we know.

Listen, it is okay to be where you are. Take your time and you will find that by working on yourself and the issues you may have with failed relationships can and will teach you things about the people you choose as well as yourself. Don’t settle. Now! Wait for Mr./Ms. Right. In the meantime, you will gain confidence, improve your self esteem and more positive people will gravitate towards you because you will be more positive about who you are and where you are going in life.

Can you start over after going too far?

2010-08-05T17:38:07Z

A student asked me recently how you back up and start over if you’ve already gone too far? This is a great question. I have seen it dodged by people who will say, “Don’t start to begin with.” This has some truth to it. Engaging in sexual activity outside of a committed marriage relationship can create a lot of the emotional damage. But this type of a response seems to say it is too late and the damage has been done, leading someone to just continue sexual activity because it is “too late anyway.” This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Starting over after going too far can be done. It will not remove what has been done, but you will surely avoid further damage and scars that could last a lifetime. Here are some insights as to how to start over:

• Forgiveness: You have to forgive yourself. Clearly abstinence before marriage is a valuable standard for you and you’ve missed the mark. Feelings of guilt and regret will bombard you if you cannot forgive and accept who you are. Keep in mind feelings are just that: feelings. They are not always in line with true reality. Don’t let the past define the real you

• Friendship: I’ve read some studies that suggest people go too far too fast because they lack deep relationships in their life. Starting over is going to require that you build true, trusted friendships so that you don’t move too fast again for the sake of being close to someone. Talk with a trusted friend about your past and hopes for the future. I’d also suggest talking to a trustworthy adult who can listen and offer good advice and encouragement as you start over

• Fight the Feeling: Once you’ve crossed that line, it becomes even easier to cross it again. When you begin talking to someone/dating again, be up front about your value of abstinence and get your friend(s) involved helping you stay true to your commitment. Have a plan in place to avoid situations where your desire to cross the line may be stronger than the desire to maintain your new start.

• Face the Facts: Many people consider themselves abstinent as “technical virgins,” meaning they’ve done everything except actual intercourse. While this may push your pregnancy risk down, it is still sexual activity and you can still get pregnant. Keep these things in mind: 1) any genital contact can still expose you to an STD, especially while engaging in oral sex ( fyi 1 in 4 sexually active girls has an STD) 2) bonding chemicals released in the body during sexual activity (one of which is oxytocin) are just as evident with or without intercourse.

Is conflict ever good for your dating relationship?

2010-08-05T16:58:13Z

Yes, but you must understand that there is a difference in conflict and a drag out fight with physical altercations involved. Relationships allow us the opportunity to learn about ourselves and the other person. We are growing daily and as we grow and mature we learn what we like for ourselves and what we don’t like. This also gives us the chance to explore how to deal with these challenges in our relationships as they present themselves. For example, lets say a boyfriend gets mad at his girlfriend because she did not return his calls. He called her three times and she never misses his calls. He has been through this before and he does not like being ignored. She finally calls him back and she is excited, she has not talked to him all day and is ready to hear his voice. She could not get to her phoneearlier because she was interviewing for a summer job at the mall. The interview was called at the last minute so she did not have time to call him and tell him she was excited that she might get the job she wants for the summer. When he talks to her he is short and the only question he wants to know is why was she ignoring him? In actuality she was not ignoring him, she put her phone on silent while she was in the interview so that she could give the interviewer her attention and have a good interview without any interruptions. This is a conflict for them because emotionally he feesl like she has let him down. She always answers his calls and because of his last girlfriend and her behavior he has trust issues. They can both learn from this experience if they are willing to talk things out. Try to avoid making assumptions. If this conflict would have never occurred he would not have known he had trust issues and needs to work on that to better himself. She would have been better prepared to talk to him about where she was and why she did not answer when he called. Some conflicts can help a relationship because its helps us to understand the type of person we are dating. As long as violence is not a part of relationship, conflict can be used as a learning experience. Healthy relationships will still have conflict, it is how you deal with the conflict that is the key.

Did you just say you love me?

2010-05-27T14:51:03Z

3 weeks into a dating relationship is still a time of excitement. You are still getting to know who this very attractive person is that you’ve been spending time with. You’ve talked a ton on the phone, sent millions of texts back and forth (thankfully you have an unlimited txting plan), held hands, and maybe even kissed a few times. You are at the end of another incredible date and as you part ways, that wonderful, exciting, attractive person says, “I love you.” Hmmm.
Your mind races with how scary these three little words can be…one word for each week you’ve been together. What exactly do they mean here? Do they mean: “I’ve grown to care about you since we’ve met,” or, “You are fun to be around,” or, “I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I thought I’d say this?” Yet what if they mean, “You’re my soul mate…the one that completes me,” or, “You’re the one I’ve been dreaming about since I was a child,” or, “I want to marry you,” or even worse, “I plan to stalk you until you love me back???”

Many people see a difference in saying, “I love you,” and “I’m in love with you,” but how in the world can you tell what this person means? If you freak out, they’re gonna end up saying they didn’t mean it like that. If you figure they mean something mild and you say, “I love you” back to them, they might take it the wrong way. We may say we know the difference, but when you factor in your emotions, and someone standing there face to face with you, it can get confusing. So how do you handle it?

I think the “love” word should be off the table. You just don’t say it. A safe time to introduce that language to describe your relationship should be after at least a year. Why a year? Most relationships break up after 3 months, and even those that make it further rarely make it past 6 months (though if it makes it past 7 months it doesn’t mean it’s true love necessarily). It is important to avoid the emotional roller coaster the “love” word brings. How many times have you heard a couple fighting and they say something like, “You said you loved me?” Don’t use love in the first year is how to handle it and if someone else says it, put it on the table right away that it is inappropriate to use. Challenge them. You could prevent getting too involved with a potential stalker.

Is it okay to date two people at once…

2010-05-27T04:23:41Z

“Is it okay to date two people at once?” This is not an easy question to answer. Many people have their own reasons or explanations as to why they think it is “okay” or “not okay” to date multiple people. When I think of dating I think of hanging out with friends on group dates and getting to know people.

Sometimes when two people start spending extended periods of time together and the conversation topics change from buddies hanging to expressing feelings or a strong attraction for one another, your relationship has taken on another dynamic. Before your feelings go too far, you might want to make sure that the other person in this relationship is feeling the same way about you.

Communication is key in any relationship. Ask questions if there is something that you do not understand so that you have clarification at all times. This will keep you from getting your feelings hurt by thinking someone is interested in you when they are not.

In my opinion it is not okay to “seriously” date two people at the same time. If you really like a person give your friendship a chance to grow and have fun together. If you happen to be interested in multiple people and are not sure which one you would like to date seriously, be honest and don’t keep anyone in the dark. If you have to lie about it then you should not be doing it. My good friends…. the truth will keep you in the clear at all times.

Should I Think Of Marriage Before I’m Even In College?

2010-05-27T00:04:57Z

We’ve always heard the stories of little girls who dream about their wedding day since age five. Is this weird? No. We are all born with a desire for relationship and one of the strongest relationships is marriage. But should we even think about marriage when we’re just having fun in high school? I’m not saying marriage should always be on our minds, but we do need to consider the importance of relationships. We have to take relationships seriously because we are shaped by our experiences. In other words, habits we have in relationships now will carry over into our relationships in the future. As you read this, I bet your saying, “yeah, but people change.” It is rare that a person’s personality changes, but their habits may change. BUT NOT OVERNIGHT! For example, if a person has issues with addiction in high school they will probably always have issues with addiction, BUT how they handle dealing with addiction may change over time. Make no mistake, what a person does in high school will impact their future relationships. If you want to have a healthy marriage in the future you will be wise to be careful what you do with relationships in high school. Believe it or not, you really are preparing for marriage now even though it may not be on your radar at the moment.

Red flags in a relationship

2010-01-08T22:05:22Z

Any time a relationship is going south, there are red flags to warn you that things are not going well. But for whatever reason, they are difficult to recognize. Here are some common warning signs that the relationship is not working:
• Arguing on a regular basis: When conversation turns to bickering, the relationship no longer builds communication, trust, and intimacy, but instead builds tension, anger, and frustration. Instead of trying to solve problems and compromise, your conflicts become battles to win
• Burying your feelings: Although difficult, it is important to talk about how you feel. If you remain silent and don’t speak up for yourself when you are angry/disrespected, the repressed feelings will eventually explode and you may say/do something you will regret and/or not remember. If you can’t be honest, things are becoming unhealthy
• Frequent jealousy: When you are consistently feeling jealous, either your partner is acting less than trustworthy around other guys/girls, or you are being overly anxious. If you have a partner who is jealous for no reason, it could be a power/control issue. No matter what may be the true source of the issue, consistent jealousy = an absence of trust
• Constant criticism: If your partner is repeatedly telling you to change your appearance, language, act a certain way around certain people, or using sarcasm to highlight weaknesses and/or their dislikes about you, it’s a bad sign. Typically this highlights suppressed anger or insecurity in the relationship. If you truly care to see change in a partner and want to be with them, a good rule of thumb is to present 9 positive comments for every 1 negative comment you make. Otherwise, it will be hard for the relationship to succeed
• Comparison to other partners: If they consistently compare you to an ex, then this is a sign that the passion they have has more to do with anger toward the ex than their liking of you. They have not moved on and are not giving you their full attention.
Although all of these things can and will happen in any relationship, if they are continually happening over and over, consider them as warning signs. Do you have any that could be added to the list?