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Red flags in a relationship

Any time a relationship is going south, there are red flags to warn you that things are not going well. But for whatever reason, they are difficult to recognize. Here are some common warning signs that the relationship is not working:
• Arguing on a regular basis: When conversation turns to bickering, the relationship no longer builds communication, trust, and intimacy, but instead builds tension, anger, and frustration. Instead of trying to solve problems and compromise, your conflicts become battles to win
• Burying your feelings: Although difficult, it is important to talk about how you feel. If you remain silent and don’t speak up for yourself when you are angry/disrespected, the repressed feelings will eventually explode and you may say/do something you will regret and/or not remember. If you can’t be honest, things are becoming unhealthy
• Frequent jealousy: When you are consistently feeling jealous, either your partner is acting less than trustworthy around other guys/girls, or you are being overly anxious. If you have a partner who is jealous for no reason, it could be a power/control issue. No matter what may be the true source of the issue, consistent jealousy = an absence of trust
• Constant criticism: If your partner is repeatedly telling you to change your appearance, language, act a certain way around certain people, or using sarcasm to highlight weaknesses and/or their dislikes about you, it’s a bad sign. Typically this highlights suppressed anger or insecurity in the relationship. If you truly care to see change in a partner and want to be with them, a good rule of thumb is to present 9 positive comments for every 1 negative comment you make. Otherwise, it will be hard for the relationship to succeed
• Comparison to other partners: If they consistently compare you to an ex, then this is a sign that the passion they have has more to do with anger toward the ex than their liking of you. They have not moved on and are not giving you their full attention.
Although all of these things can and will happen in any relationship, if they are continually happening over and over, consider them as warning signs. Do you have any that could be added to the list?

Posted by: JasonH on 1/8 at 5:05pm 0 Comments

Things guys can’t stand on a date

I have spoken to many students about their pet peeves when on a date. Usually the ladies are shocked at some of the pet peeves from the guys and since I’m a guy, I thought I’d enlighten you on some things that tend to get on a guy’s nerves…
• The girl keeps using her phone: if you are texting and talking to someone else other than your date, this shows the guy he is less important. The fellas want your full attention, that’s why they are out on a date with you. Turn your phone off on the date and give the guy some respect
• The girl dresses immodestly: When this one was brought to my attention, they didn’t use the word immodest, ladies. When I asked them why, they said although they liked to know they were with someone that was attractive, they spent half the date worrying about other guys checking out their girl. Some of the guys got into fights with other guys simply because the girl chose to wear a low-cut shirt, short-shorts, etc. They are dumb to fight for sure, but keep in mind that you are doing more harm than good and attracting attention that sends mixed signals.  There is a difference in dressing attractive and trying to be seductive.
• Bad table manners: Ladies, guys can get turned off and grossed out just as much as you. The guys have told me about instances where the girl spits out her gum and leaves it on the plate, or spits out food obviously, and sometimes doesn’t do that in a napkin, but back on the plate. They have told me of messy eaters, slouching in her seat, eating with her fingers, all kinds of pet peeves that gross them out. Something to think about
• Playing indecisive: He asks you where you want to go, what you want to do and your response is: I don’t know/I don’t care. Then he picks something and you tell him no, so he picks something again, and you tell him no. He has to go through a list of places for 20 minutes before you finally decide where you want to go. Guys I have spoken to really can’t stand that. If you have no opinion, then don’t get mad at the guy for making a choice. Speak up.
Would anyone care to add to these from the guys perspective? Ladies, do you have some of your own?

Posted by: JasonH on 1/8 at 5:04pm 0 Comments

Long Distance Relationships

There is a thin line when dating someone that is not in the same area as you. There has to be a great amount of trust on both ends and you have to be willing to put for the efforts to have a successful relationship. I will be the first to tell you that yes a long distance relationship can work and it can be great. It can also be heart-breaking if you are committed to someone who is out with other people while you are waiting by the phone. With technology like video chats, instant messenger and many other channels of communication, dating someone from another location is made easier. Knowing what is expected of both people in the relationship can help as well as setting ground rules. I don’t want you to think that it is too much work because that may take the fun of it away from you. I do encourage you to treat the person how you want to be treated and carry yourself accordingly no matter if that person is visiting in town or not and you will be just fine. I will ask that you date someone that is not too far away; being able to hang out with the person you are dating occasionally is important and a lot more fun. For example, going on a date to the movies and being able to talk about what you saw right then is better than having a talk about it later at home or on your cell phone ALL the time.  Enjoy your lives and have fun! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, happy dating!

Posted by: Its Nori Nori on 12/22 at 1:58am 0 Comments

Why doesn’t the other person want to be as serious as you?

There are few things more frustrating than when one person wants to take the relationship to a serious level and the other doesn’t. It can be confusing and painful to try to work it out and answer the question “why?” Why won’t that other person get serious with you? I can’t tell you exactly why in every case. However, here are a few things to think about.

First, you’ve got to look at your expectations in dating. It could be that the less than serious person doesn’t see themselves getting serious until later on in life. They may have goals and plans for college and do not want to put them at risk. They may see dating as a time to be having fun and do not think being serious is all that fun. They are not ready for a serious relationship. If that is the case, you may be wasting your time if you expect to be serious with the person.

Second, they may be losing interest because you have moved faster than they. It may sound like playing games, but it is just a natural happening in relationships. If they think they “have” you, the attraction goes down because the “thrill of the chase” is gone. Also, the other person may feel awkward about your strong feelings. If you want to continue to give the relationship a shot, you may want to back off some. If they see they don’t “have” you like they thought, the attraction could grow stronger again.

Third, you may be unrealistic with your feelings. I know this is a borderline offensive thing to say. I agree that everyone has a right to feel how they feel, but it doesn’t mean it is realistic. When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, you don’t know why you feel angry and grumpy, you just do. So ask yourself the question: “Why do I want to be serious?” If it doesn’t go beyond the fact that they are nice and look good, then you may be unrealistic. A serious relationship requires more than good manners and looks.  It requires trust, integrity, common goals and values, commitment, and excitement and time. If you are being unrealistic, the other person probably sees it and it’s a big turn-off for them. I suggest keeping your feelings to yourself until you begin seeing the other person feeling the same way.

Posted by: JasonH on 12/9 at 11:38am 0 Comments

What a good relationship IS

Dating relationships can be a lot of fun, but also a lot of drama. Most people I talk to really want to avoid all the drama: fights in public, late night phone calls hashing out an argument though you can’t seem to remember how it began, jealousy and betrayal. The list of what is bad about a relationship can go on forever. Most of us know what a good relationship is NOT, but how do we know what a good relationship IS?

The foundation for a good dating relationship starts with patience. The relationship should develop naturally in its own time. The partners do not need to compare themselves to everyone else and are content to move at their own pace. Otherwise, the dating relationship becomes more about what others think rather than discovering one another. Second, the foundation should have trust and/or respect. The partners do not run around talking about their private business with everyone else. Each person is able to put themselves in the other person’s shoes in conflict to better understand one another. They don’t force or manipulate each other to do things they do not want to do.  Third, a good relationship has great communication. Many folks have expectations of dating that they never communicate which typically leads to conflict. Yet a good dating relationship expresses expectations, discusses true feelings, and allows for each other to own their opinions, even if you don’t agree on things. Finally, a good relationship is supportive of each other’s individual and shared goals. Each wants the best for the other person and stops short of trying to change the other. They are genuinely happy for their success and push aside jealousy. They want the other’s goals to be achieved, even at the sacrifice of their time together, or the actual dating relationship. Their individuality is highly respected. Why settle for less than these characteristics?

Posted by: JasonH on 10/11 at 9:45pm 0 Comments

Should a SENIOR date a FRESHMAN

I have had a lot of teens ask this question throughout different classes that I have taught and I must say this always turns into a big discussion. There are the students that do not see anything wrong with it and there are the students that see everything wrong with it. What I can do is share my experience or story and hopefully this helps someone out. I was a freshmen and I had the biggest crush on this senior. He was my first real crush. I was in JROTC and I needed a date for the Military Ball. It took me a few days to get up the courage to ask him to the ball. I will never forget it, I’m standing outside of my science class and he walks by. I stopped him and we chit chatted for a while and then right when he was about to walk away I asked him would he attend the Military Ball with me. He smiled, and politely declined my offer. I was crushed. I felt like crying a river right there in his face but I did not cry I just gathered myself long enough to ask him why?. He said, “Your a freshmen and I’m a senior, your just starting high school and I’m leaving high school. We are in different places in our lives. It just doesn’t seem right but thanks and I hope you have a great time”.

At the time I did not understand, but a few years down the road when I became a senior in high school and a freshmen had a crush on me and wanted me to attend the Military Ball with him; I remembered what he had told me. We were on two different levels, two different plains in our lives. I was fresh out of middle school and honestly we did not have much to talk about at the time. Should a senior date a freshmen? I encourage you to think about it and know what is best for you. Don’t let peer pressure get the best of you and be willing to make the mature decision and don’t rush high school. Enjoy each grade level for what it is and have a great high school experience.

Posted by: Its Nori Nori on 10/5 at 10:46am 4 Comments

Is Kissing That Serious?

When should you consider kissing someone when dating? The answer depends on what kind of kissing we’re talking about. If this is the peck on the cheek variety, it is not something to worry about. However, if we are talking about a French kiss (which is what most folks are doing), then I believe there needs to be some major components in the relationship established beforehand. First, you need to know one another and I don’t simply mean just know names. By knowing I mean that you hang out long enough to know the true person. That leads to the next component which is trust. You should feel safe enough with the other person that you have confidence that they will not physically or emotionally harm you. This develops a relationship in which you can rely on one another to keep each other’s best interests in mind. This is the type of relationship you can commit to, the last component that should be in place. You should be exclusively for one another in the relationship.

You may say, “Jason, you are being too serious. It’s just a little kissing.” I understand that kissing is something that is common in relationships, and that kissing doesn’t have to lead to other things physically, but it typically does lead to other things. Any love scene in a movie begins with a kiss for a reason. A kiss is like a switch for sexual desire. It turns it on. Your body tends to react quickly to the kissing and without strong willpower, it is ready for more.  Can you trust this person to be looking out for you?

Am I being too serious about all this? Let me know what you think

Posted by: JasonH on 10/1 at 9:59am 6 Comments

Dating Violence Is About Power and Control

According to the statistics, one out of three teens will experience dating violence. Dating violence is when a person experiences physical, emotional or sexual abuse at the hands of his or her significant other. Dating violence is NOT a way to express love. It is ONLY to gain power and control over the person who seems too weak and needy to leave. A person who may be a victim of dating violence may have low self-esteem or thinks that the physical abuse is normal.

If you experience any type of violence, GET OUT of that relationship as soon as possible. You need to seek the help of family, friends, a teacher, or an adult you can trust. You do not deserve to be beaten, hurt, or treated that way. If you have experienced dating violence, it can be emotionally draining as well. Take some time to work on yourself before you enter into another relationship. The last thing you want to do is change the actors, but the play stays the same. Love yourself more than you love the one you are with. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Signs of an abusive relationship

Signs of a healthy relationship

Posted by: Anovia on 9/21 at 5:11am 0 Comments

Who pays for the date?

Traditionally, the guy is the one who pays for the date because he is the one expected to do the asking. However, I have talked with plenty of ladies who have gone out with a guy to dinner and he is not prepared to pay. It is an awkward situation that none of us would like to be in. There are also plenty of guys who are asked out by the lady and he expects them each to pay for their own while she expects him to pay. Yet again an awkward situation since she did the asking. So what should we do about this paying issue???

My rule of thumb is to go ahead and prepare to pay for both, whether you are the guy or the lady. Then if he turns out to be cheap and not want to pay for you (or possibly himself) you will be covered and at least dodge a bad situation becoming worse. A second date most likely will not be in order. Many ladies I have spoken with prefer to pay their own way on the first couple of dates to avoid a compromising situation. While a lady never owes anything to a guy just because he spent money on her, it dissuades a guy from trying to take advantage of her.

If you don’t like my idea, then the best thing is to bite the bullet and discuss who will pay before you go out. It does not mean either of you are cheap and if you think they will decide not to go out if you ask about who will pay, they are not worth your time. It is about good communication. What do you think?

Posted by: JasonH on 9/11 at 3:40pm 2 Comments

How do you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to dress?

You can tell a lot about a person by how the dress and how they carry themselves when you first meet them. Clothes are apart of how a person is perceived from another person. If you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to dress a certain way they I suggest dating a person that already has that since of style instead of trying to change someone and make they wear what you think they should. I have learned that teens and people in general use clothing as a way to express themselves and that is great. Let’s just say for example you meet someone at the gym or right after they get done playing a sport and you have no idea how they dress when they are not on the field or playing that sport. The best thing for you to do is find out more about that person in conversation and what they like to do other than playing sports. This will give you a chance to get an idea of how they dress. At the end of the day you can not change people you can only change yourself. Nine times out of ten in you meet a person wearing a certain style or type of outfit that is how they will dress most of the time. People do change up their style but style is a personal choice. So my suggestion is to date someone that already wearing the style or trend that you like so that style of dress is not an issue in your relationship.

Posted by: Its Nori Nori on 9/1 at 3:56pm 2 Comments