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"Moving on after breaking up" |
Friday, August 21, 2009 I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 and a half years ago because he never talked to me and we went on 1 date in 6 months. Right after I broke up with him, I felt really good about it. He kept asking and asking me to go back out with him but I told him no because I knew nothing would change. So I think I made a huge mistake because recently I’ve been thinking about him. I think I still love him. But hes in a relationship now so I can’t talk to him about it and I don’t know what I should do about. Him and his girlfriend are really good together and I don’t want to get in the way of their relationship. So is there anything I can do to make this any easier? Great question! First, as hard as it might be, we would encourage you to stay positive. This is all about perspective. Is there anything you learned from this relationship that could be helpful in future relationships? From what you have told us, it sounds like what you want in a relationship is someone who will talk with you and spend time with you. Since he was not interested in doing that, the decision to move on was probably good on your part. We all agree that we have learned a lot about ourselves through our relationships with other people – some stuff we were excited to learn – other stuff, not so much…lol BUT – we wouldn’t trade the takeaways from the experiences. Maybe the best thing you can do right now is think about what characteristics you want the person you date to have? For example, do you prefer someone who is outgoing, funny, easy to talk with, goal oriented? Or do you want to date someone who is quiet and reserved, not a cut up and a bookworm? Hummm You are smarter now than you were before. Keep your head up, stop thinking about what was and be prepared for a new relationship. |
"How do I deal with the challenges of a long distance relationship?" |
Friday, August 14, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months today. We love each other and have a very healthy relationship. He is two years younger than me and hasn’t been in many long term relationships or really many relationships at all. I just moved so I can attend college as a freshman. He just turned 16 and doesn’t even have his permit yet. If I want to see him then I have to do the driving. We usually pay for our own meals and movie tickets. I am also a strong Christian and my boyfriends family doesn’t attend church. He promised he would start going when he gets his drivers license but that hasn’t been a priority for him either. I’m torn because I really love him but I feel like I need him and he doesn’t need me. I don’t like feeling so needy for someone. How can I talk to him about all of this without ruining our relationship or coming across as bossy and controlling? You are asking all kinds of great questions about this relationship. Asking him to sit down and talk with you about what you both want out of the relationship is not being bossy or controlling. However, you both have to be prepared for the fact that what may come out of the conversation is that your priorities are different. It sounds like you already in your gut know the answers. It doesn’t sound like he is in the same place as you. Trying to force him to do what you want him to do will not make your relationship better. Long distance relationships are challenging at best. Before you have the conversation with your boyfriend you might want to spend some time thinking about what is realistic for you to want out of this relationship and where you expect it to go, keeping in mind that he is still in high school and you are away at college. |
"My best friend is in a bad relationship. How can I help her to get out?" |
My best friend has a boyfriend, and he tried to rape her, and she said no. That was a year ago. Now, she is emotionally attached, and almost obsessed… I know he is just trying to use her for sex, and he tries to control her, but she REALLY loves him. How can I be a better friend and help her out? It sounds like you are a very good friend with reason to be concerned. We wonder if your friend knows the difference between a healthy dating relationship and an abusive one. Based on your description, your friend is clearly in an emotionally, sexually and potentially physically abusive relationship. This sounds like a serious situation. We would strongly encourage you to talk with a wise adult who can help this young lady get out of this unhealthy relationship. A person who truly loves someone does not attempt to rape them nor try to control them, talk hatefully to them, hit them, pressure them to have sex or ask them to sacrifice their own values. Check out the Teen Dating Bill of Rights.
The Dating Violence Helpline is: 1.866.331.9474 |
"My boyfriend is pressuring me to have sex. What do I do?" |
Tuesday, August 4, 2009 Me and my boyfriend have only been going out for 3 weeks and he already says that he cares about me but we haven’t even known each other that long, he is trying to pressure me into having sex with him and I don’t know what to do? You are smart to realize that you haven’t known him long enough to know if he really cares or not. Sometimes people misinterpret lust and infatuation with love and caring for someone else. When someone cares about another person they don’t push them to do things they don’t want to do. If you are interested in having a healthy dating relationship with this guy or anybody else, we would encourage you to steer clear of having sex. In spite of what you have probably heard in the media, having sex in a relationship where there is not a lifetime commitment can be dangerous. Many people believe that having sex is part of the dating scene. However, the problem with that is that when you put sex in the mix of dating it impacts how the relationship grows, which is why it is best to save sex for a committed marriage relationship. |
"In Love...Scared and Lonely" |
Thursday, July 30, 2009 My boyfriend an I have been dating for about two years now and we have a very healthy and happy relationship. He lived with me our entire senior year and we both just graduated form different schools this may. (he couldnt stay at home anymore and moved in with me at my parents house.) Well he just started college and is taking a 13 month auto diesel program and is living with his aunt for free… He has been gone for about two months now and it has been a huge change. We have been talking about getting an apartment up there, but both of us have our doubts, but I miss him more and more everyday and only seeing him for a few hours on the weekends kills me. It breaks my heart everytime he leaves. I don’t know what to do to pass my time and I don’t know if we should get a place up there. His school is practically paid for when u add in all his scholarships and grants and a six month rent would cost about another 4000 dollars, Also I am from a SMALL town and where he is going We can tell you are really trying to weigh your options and make good decisions. Based on the information you gave us, it sounds like you both graduated from high school and your boyfriend has left for college while you are still home. It sounds like you have a lot more free time than he does. We think it is great that your boyfriend is on a career track and preparing for the future. It isn’t necessarily bad to spend some time apart. This could actually strengthen your relationship. There is no question that long distance relationships are challenging. What are you currently doing to prepare for your future? Have you considered getting a job or going to college? As far as living together goes, while many people are doing this, there is no evidence that this is a good thing for your relationship. In fact, most of what we know to be true about living together tells us that it hurts the relationship in the long run. You are asking a lot of great questions. Many of the questions you ask are addressed in classes we teach. Click here for more information about classes. |
"I'm confused. Should I break up?" |
I’ve been dating this guy for 4 years on and off. We were pretty happy at first because he pretty much lived next door, but then he moved and things changed. He started to sleep with other girls and just I really didn’t know him anymore. Everyone told me he was no good but deep down in my heart I still wanted to be with him. He would always sugar coat something so that I would feel like he was in a way “okay”. When we are together things are great and we’re happy but it seems like when he goes back to his friends he just snapps and doesn’t wanna commit. I finally see he was only using me, but the thing is I still miss him and still wanna be with him…. Im confused. Dear Confused: The hard truth is you can really love someone and realize the relationship will never work. If he isn’t trustworthy while you are dating what makes you think he could be trusted in a deeper kind of relationship? Clearly he is not ready to commit – you cannot force him to do so. It is often very hard to walk away from an unhealthy relationship, but it sounds like you believe that is the best thing for you to do. |
