Ask an Expert
"Should we live together" |
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 Ok, so me and my boyfriend, it’s pretty much perfect, and when college starts, we really want to move in together, whether it be in a dorm or an apartment. We’ve discussed and agree to whatever would need to be done financially, but when it comes to our parents, well, lets just say they don’t know anything yet. How can we go about telling them to make them understand? So the big question is – Is living together a pathway that will get you what you are hoping for – love that lasts with this guy? While it is true that many people are living together, before you try to make your parents understand why you want to do that, are you sure you know what you are getting into? Some things to consider: Most cohabiting relationships last about two years when they either break up or marry. Most people think that living together is the number one “go to” strategy to improve their odds of being successful in marriage. There is almost no evidence of this. Once you start living together breaking up gets a whole lot more complicated because of things like signing a lease together, owning a dog, purchasing furniture, etc. Some people only marry the person they are marrying because they lived with them not because they believe they have found their soulmate. We think you would agree that your parents are interested in whatever is in your best interest. While you may think their objection to you living with this guy is old fashioned, you may want to check out the latest research by Galena Rhoades, a liberal, feminist and others when it comes to living together. This probably isn’t the answer you were looking, for, but it is really important for you to have good, accurate, research-based information before making a decision that will impact the rest of your life. |
"Not sure I want to kiss him" |
Well me and my boyfriend have been dating for a month and 6 days and I am scared to kiss him. It’s not that I am scared of him, I just don’t know that I don’t love him yet. And he keeps asking me why I won’t kiss him and I tell him that I am not ready. But then he kind of gets a little frustrated with me, he doesn’t tell me that he is frustrated but I can tell by the sound of his voice. and I really don’t know what to do bc I really like him and I don’t want to lose him over me not kissing him? First off, it is really ok that you don’t want to kiss him. If he isn’t okay with that,that is his deal not yours. If you lose him over the fact that you won’t kiss him then that speaks pretty loudly for what he really wants out of the relationship. The pressure that you are noticing is a subtle type of abuse – no one should be pressured into doing anything. AND a person who truly cares about you won’t pressure you to do something you aren’t comfortable doing. Does he want you because of who you are as a person or for what you will do??? If you give into the pressure, what will he be pressuring you for next? |
"Should I date a guy more than a few years older than me?" |
Should I date a guy more than a few years older than me? You really should not be dating a person that is more than a couple (2) years older than you. When you date someone more than a few years older than you interests are different, maturity level is different and it can create all kinds of problems. It is REALLY risky and we would discourage it.
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"Why can't I get my boyfriend to talk?" |
Wednesday, October 14, 2009 Ok me and my boyfriend don’t really talk about much. I love him and I know I do. And when I’m around him I’m always happy, smiling, and feel warm inside. We just don’t talk that much. I don’t know what to do.
Great question! Here’s a hint, guys are usually a lot more talkative when they are doing something like playing basketball or running. Find out what he likes to do that the two of you could do together. Guys typically like to be active rather than just sitting around talking. |
"Why won't she say I love you?" |
My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a month and a half, we’ve said stuff like “Goodnight love you” in texts before, but never “I love you”. I’m thinking there’s a difference because I said “I love you” to her face a few days ago, and she didn’t say it back. Granted, it wasn’t the best time to say it, in middle of making out, but it still upset me a little. I didn’t let her know though, so we’re still pretty much like we were just saying “Goodnight love you” but only in texts. I was wondering if there is a difference between the two and if I have any right to be a little upset about it? One other thing I should mention, she might have a reason for not trusting me/not saying it. (We’re both 15 right now) When she was 10 years old, she was raped. I honestly didn’t know what to say back when she told me. I said, “I’m sorry, that’s horrible” about a million times and tried to comfort her a little, but I really don’t know how to react to that, I’ve never had a girlfriend that had been raped. It doesn’t really change the way I feel about her, but I want her to know she can depend on me to be there for her, so I wasn’t sure if I should’ve said something else, and the day she told me was about 3 weeks ago. We’ve also been going pretty slow compared to other people I know. I know I shouldn’t compare how fast we’re going with how fast they’re going, and that it’s different with everyone, but I thought we might be going slow because of her past. I mean, I’ve tried of course, I’m a guy, but I’m respectful of her and wouldn’t make her do anything she didn’t want to do. So the farthest we’ve gone has been both of us with our pants on but shirts off (Her still with her bra on), it sort of makes me feel like she doesn’t like me as much to be honest. So I don’t know what I should/shouldn’t worry about. Could you help me out a little?
It sounds like you have done a good job assessing the situation. She certainly has reason not to trust based on the information she shared with you about her past. Being raped is very serious. If she has not told her parents about this, it would be important for them to know. We hope you will encourage her to share this information with them. We aren’t sure what your definition of taking it slow is, but based on what you have shared, it sounds like things are pretty hot already. Are you in love with her or in lust with her? It is impossible to know you love someone after only a month and a half. If you really think you are falling in love with her we would suggest you SLOW DOWN and get to know her. Great relationships are built on a foundation of knowing someone well – not getting physical. We got it that you are “a guy” but if you really love her and want her to be able to depend on you to be there, you will back off with the making out stuff. You are right, a lot of teens are moving really fast in dating relationships only to dump the person a few weeks later because what they thought was love was really only lust and that got old after a while.
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"Should I keep waiting?" |
Thursday, October 8, 2009 I have known this guy for about five years now and we have always had a “thing” for each other. He was always single when I was taken and vice versa. Finally, this time around, we are both single, but he has recently joined the military. He’s currently away at basic training and we’ve been talking through letters. I found out right before he left that his ex girlfriend is expecting a child of theirs, but he sees no intentions of working things out with her; however he wants to be a part of that child’s life. The thing is, he comes home in two weeks. We are not officially together and the whole time he’s been gone I have not been with anyone else and have actually stopped myself from going on dates because I don’t want to “risk it.” Things between us are not clear, so should I just keep waiting and hoping that things will work out? He knows how I feel, but I don’t think I’m seeing much effort from his end. WOW! This guy seems to have a lot going on at the moment. Just joined the military, is expecting a child and you’re not seeing much effort from his end. Wonder how he would juggle a new dating relationship with all the other things he has going on? Whether he intends to be with the child’s mother or not, if he is going to be a responsible father the child will require a lot of time and attention - which would not leave much time for anyone else in his life. What are you waiting for and why are you hoping things will work out with him? If you are not seeing much effort from his end it sounds like it is time to seriously consider moving on. Starting out a relationship with a ton of existing challenges usually spells disaster. |
